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Oh, and Kathleen Turner can act. Who
told Jennifer Aniston that anything about her qualified her
to play A) in a thriller, B) in a serious film, C) against a
serious actor, and D) an attractive woman. With every
year that passes she begins to look more a more like a
skinny dude, and as far as her seductive powers... how do I
describe? I know. Guys, if you've ever hooked up
with a girl who was out to prove she wasn't the stick in the
mud everyone knew she was, and so, in reaction to this, she
jumps all over your smallest advances (or things she even
just perceives as advances) and when you get her somewhere
private, she starts talking about all the dirty and kinky
things she's going to do, and she starts undressing you,
wanting to be in control and the entire time you are
incredibly aware that she's completely uncomfortable,
vaguely disgusted at the thought of even touching another
human being, and really wants to wash her hands, you've seen
Jennifer Aniston in the sack. You know the face?
The one where she's looking up at you and intending to be
sexy but instead she's giving off that look like she's an
accountant being made to do something in the wrong order and
pretend to like it... all business and all disapproval...
yeah, that's her sexual face. I'm not even
going to get into describing the story, not for fear of
giving something away but for fear of making myself relive
the painful two hours I just spent. Here's what it
comes down to: The movie obviously strays badly from
the source material. That much is clear, though I
haven't read the James Siegel book it's based on because A)
the movie is choppy, hard to follow and seems to jump
between several different plot lines unsure of which one it
wants to be playing out, and B) the deleted scenes unleash a
completely other version of the movie still and this
one doesn't seem to suck so much. The deleted scenes
are probably directly from Siegel's book. The
movie ends several times... and then keeps going
***SPOILER*** just like the villain who also can't seem to
accept when he's dead *** END SPOILER*** . Three
or four times the movie seems to have mercifully reached a
point where we can all breathe a sigh of relief and walk out
while the undeserved credits begin to roll, but instead the
plot continues going, the final time with a detail almost
completely created at that moment for a better ending.
Times of day shift constantly, people being in one room at one
time and leaving at a totally illogical time later.
(Example: Owen leaves teaching at a prison after class
in the late afternoon and walks into his house in the same
clothes as his daughter is running to catch the morning
school bus... daf*ck?) The characters
do things so unbelievably stupid that it hurts to watch.
Nothing they do is believable because it is so devoid of
reality and realistic portrayals. Even the friendships
and connections are ridiculous. The movie wants to be
Double Indemnity, Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct and Death
Wish but succeeds in only being a blenderized and badly
directed version of, again, Body Heat. Don't
bother. I am a fan of Clive Owen's work, but don't
bother. His character is too stupid and pathetic and
frankly emasculated to like. It's not his fault;
the script sucks, the direction sucks and the story sucks.
Vincent Cassel; well, you want to be disturbed by a rape in
a movie that he's in? Okay, watch Irreversible and
tell me why Monica Belluci doesn't have the status of
Jennifer Aniston in this country. Want to watch a
Jennifer Aniston movie? Rent Office Space. She's
only in it for about twenty minutes and the rest of the
flick is hilarious. And its greatest sin of
all? Derailed is painfully, painfully, boring.
It hurts from beginning to end, just making you want it to
end. Don't watch Derailed. It's as
awful as you suspected it might be, and frankly, even a
little bit worse. |
